Amber Summer's remembers Judi Hansen

Amber Spiess August 6 at 9:55am

Judi Hansen was always somewhat of an enigma, that lived across the street from me.

As a kid, Kris and I played together frequently. Most of our times were spent in one yard or the other.

On those rare occasions, we were afforded the luxury of indoor play, I was always torn between who I wanted to see, once I crossed the Hansen threshold. Judi, or venturing to the basement of the bigger sister's bedrooms.

Judi was always well assembled. Adorned in baubles of gold and bright colors, high polish frost on those long beautiful fingernails. Judi once revealed to me that her secret to long beautiful strong nails, was constant painting of formaldehyde laced nail polish (trust me do not try this at home). There was never a time her fingers or wrists were bare, even in her housecoat.

Kris and I were fortunate enough an opportunity to play in her house once again. This was cause to celebrate.

Judi had just had back surgery and had been convalescing in her bedroom.

The bedroom, of all locations was the most taboo. The most coveted treasure of all...the replica telephone. Oh My! The telephone!!!

It wasn't surprising, despite surgery, Judi looked fabulous. She did not disappoint. As we entered to find her on THEEE telephone, arms flinging about in chatter and, of course, laden in jewels, flowing gown, she never looked more fabulous and refined.

Kris and I sat on the edge of the bed in silence while Judi wrapped up her phone call. Laughing and chatter, it was obvious Judi was enjoying the person on the other end of that line and then...

Out of nowhere, the loudest fart I have ever heard, in my 9 years of age. Judi didn't miss a beat.

Your House is Too Cold!

Adam requested I share this story:

While my mom was living in California she came out for a visit one Christmas. It's been an ongoing problem that she's freezing cold when she's at my house, anytime of the year. I think the problem got worse when she moved to California...maybe her blood thinned out like it does for your warm weather folks. She had lost some of the frontier hardiness it takes to tolerate a winter day at my house.

It was the night before Christmas Eve, maybe around 10:00, when I started to smell something horrific coming from the kitchen. I had been upstairs in bed, trying to go to sleep. As I started down the stairs I could see smoke and the smell was terrible and hard to define. I ran down the stairs to find Judi-Kari in the kitchen. "It's alright! Go back to bed!" she hollered. "What happened???" I asked. "Nothing! Just go back to bed!" "Are those your pajamas?" I asked as I spied a smoldering clump of red in the microwave. "Well, yeah." she answered. "What are they doing in the microwave???" I asked. She said, "I was cold." By now the terrible burning-plastic- meets- chemical- fire stench had permeated every inch of my small house. "What's on fire???" Adam asked as he came running up the stairs? Soon everyone in the house was running in to see what the emergency was. The smell was absolutely nauseating. I ran around and opened every window and door and turned on all the ceiling fans. In a matter of minutes the entire house was freezing, but that smell was stubborn.

I went back to the microwave to determine the extent of the damage. I picked up the offending PJ's with the barbecue tongs. They were still fiery hot. As they unfolded I saw that there were several charred holes. Had there been actual flames in the microwave? "Mom, why on Earth would you put your pajamas in the microwave?" I asked. "Well, I thought they weren't too different from those bean bag things you always use." she answered. "Yes, but those are like, 100% cotton and all natural fibers. You can't put in your polyester blend pj's with the rubbery elastic waistband!" I told her. "You can always toss your clothes in the dryer or use a hair dryer to heat them up." I added.

I was so irritated! I was now super tired and freezing cold. My house smelled so awful I didn't think I could sleep. After an hour or so I had to close the house up and go to bed. As I laid there trying to go to sleep, I started laughing hysterically. I couldn't stop. Jon asked what I was laughing about. "My mom almost burned our house down on Christmas Eve-Eve because she cooked her pajamas in the microwave! You don't think that's funny?" I asked. He started laughing and we laid in bed and giggled about it for 15 minutes. You can't buy this kind of entertainment.

The next day, after we documented the incident with photos (she was a good sport!) I bought electric blankets for all the beds in my freezing cold house. From that point on she was as warm as she liked when she came to stay. My kids still talk about the Christmas their Nanna almost burned their house down.

What's a Kroner?

I had an entertaining conversation with Judi-Kari yesterday. I, in what now seems to be a misguided attempt to help entertain my mother, suggested that she read The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. She's begun to read the book which apparently led to the following phone call yesterday:

JK: DeeDee, what's a kroner?

Me: What?

JK: What's a kroner? K-R-O-N-E-R.

Me: A kroner? Do you mean the money in Sweden?

JK: I guess. What is it?

Me: It's the monetary unit of Sweden.

JK: Is 3 million kroner a lot of money?

Me: Uh, I don't know.

JK: Well, what is it? If you get 3 million Kroner would you be rich?

Me: I wouldn't think so. I think it's kind of like Yen or Lira.

JK: What do you mean? How much is 3 million Kroner?

Me: It depends on the exchange rate.

JK: Yes, but how much is it in dollars?

Me: I don't know. It varies from day to day a bit.

JK: Well, what is it?

Me: If I had to guess I'd say it takes a lot of Krona to make a dollar.

JK: What do you mean?

Me: Like, I think one Kroner is worth 10 cents or something.

JK: Well, that would be terrible! Who would want to carry around a huge stack of Kroners to buy something? Why would they make a money that way?

Me: I don't know. Maybe it's a coin.

JK: It's a coin? Even worse!

Me: I don't know that it's a coin. Maybe they make a note that's like 100 Kroner or something. Maybe that's the smallest amount it comes in.

JK: You think so?

Me: I don't know for sure, I'm just saying if I were the head of the Swedish Treasury, that's what I would do.

JK: Can you look it up for me and find out how much a Kroner is? I mean, I just can't figure out if 3 million Kroner is a lot of money or not.

Me: Sure Mom, I'm at Target but will get right on it when I get home.

Just in case you're wondering, yesterday a Kroner was worth about 14 cents. Why did I recommend that book??

Stories from my friends about Judi-Kari

The car horn that wouldn't stop! We asked your mom to drop us off a few blocks away, but she dropped us right in front. Maybe she couldn't hear our request because the horn was so damn loud. Funny, funny stuff. Amy Staker

Mom was driving me and a bunch of my friends to the huanted mansion on Old Mill Creek Road I think. We were in the Nova and it was packed and we were teenage girls horrified at being seen with my mom, in the Nova and with the horn honking!!

Not so great with the gifts

My mother is a wonderful lady and I love her dearly, but she is not so great with the gift giving. As a kid she did alright for the exception of one Christmas where she bought us all these clothes we didn't like so we took them back and bought Girbaud jeans.
As and adult it's been a series of strange things. For my 25th birthday I got a gold heart shaped box with my name and year engraved on it. Pretty sure it came from the store Things Remembered. For my 27th Birthday she gave me some odd sunflower coffee mugs and the one that takes the cake is for my 28th birthday I got a fuzzy purple purse with "princess" written on it. The princess thing was cute when I was 21, but um 28 not so much. Finally she has taken to giving me the gift cards I've asked for.
Christmas presents are equally strange. A couple of years ago I got a really tacky Nativity scene that was white with lot O gold. The next year I opened a silver charm bracelet with seems fine until you look closely at the charms and they are all dentist themed think toothpaste, toothbrush and teeth. She said she thought of me because of the cute smile on one of the charms. I guess she failed to look at the rest of them.
Now I get that it's the thought that counts, but really I would rather her not waste her money on things that I won't keep.
Love ya mom
Shareena aka the baby sister

July 20, 2010

Entry 1
This blog is for "The Sisters" to record funny experiences with the unique and wild woman we call Mom. If, however you are not a "Sister" feel free to tell us a story and we would gladly post it here. The youngest "Sister" has threatened to write a book but in this day and age I think a blog is much more appropriate. Leave a comment and let us know your thoughts.